My Testimony (Part 2)

As mentioned in Part 1 of my testimony, the only reason that I am alive today, is because the living God divinely intervened on more than one occasion, moments before the taking of my own life.

The wild part? In those moments, I had resolved in my heart that God wasn't  real, or that if He was real, He wasn't a good or loving God because what kind of God would create me with a broken brain, watch me suffer, and refuse to heal me? It's important for me to say that, because many will hear or read my testimony and conclude that I experienced healing from the grip of OCD because of therapy, medication treatment, and resourceful tools.

And to that, I'd kindly respond by clarifying that God prevented me from taking my life so that I could experience those healing tools. His divine heavenly intervention came first, not the human effort. He met me when I was at the end of myself, with zero ounce of hope or strength left in my body or soul. I could no longer picture a future for me without isolation, mental suffering, and disappointment in myself and from others.

The truth is, I was spiritually dead, following the "prince of the power" of darkness, "the spirit that is now at work" in the darkness of this world. I was "carrying out the desires" of "the mind". BUT GOD!!! "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love which which he loved (me), even when (I was) dead in (my) trespasses, made (me) alive together with Christ--by grace (I) have been saved...And this is not (my) own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For (I am) his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that (I) should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:1-10, ESV).

I didn't save myself. God saved me physically by first saving me at a soul level. In moments of desperation, He divinely revealed Himself in ways that I could no longer deny. At first I called them coincidences until they became too divine to credit anything other than God Himself. Once He revealed to me at a heart level that He was real, that He cared, and that He was inviting me into new life with Him according to His identity for me, my entire view of myself, others, and the spiritual realm was completely and radically transformed. And on October 6, 2019, I declared God as my savior, surrendered my old dying self to Him in the watery grave of baptism, and rose from that water in new life with Jesus Christ.

Within that same month, I received an official and accurate diagnosis of OCD, which pieced together all of the confusing pieces of my past as to why my brain worked the way it did. Within the same month I began OCD therapy.

But more importantly, from that moment on October 6, I began to see everything clearly, as it was:

I saw the true enemy for who he truly is: the ultimate deceiver whose main mission is to disorient his followers in darkness, void of God's loving light (John 8:44, 2 Corinthians 4:4, Ephesians 4:18).

I saw the divine  for who He truly was: A gracious, loving, faithful heavenly Father who was gently (but persistently) pursuing me even amidst my rebellion against Him (2 Timothy 2:13, John 3:16, 2 Peter 3:9, Romans 5:8).

I saw my sufferings and the sufferings of this world  for what they truly were: product of darkness in the world, but opportunity for God's sovereign plan and lavished grace to be displayed.

I saw salvation and healing  for what they truly were: a completed work of God through Jesus Christ, a gift from God to all who accept his invitation, and a product of God's will--NOT a product of my work.

I saw my worth and identity for what they truly were: a masterpiece of God, created in Jesus to carry out the predestined good works of God.

From that moment, I began to make drastic changes to my spiritual environment and spiritual community.  I no longer wanted to be polished or surrounded by polished religion. It was imperative that I surrounded myself with others who were not afraid to be transparent in the light of God within healthy accountability. I wanted to be deeply known, and deeply know others. I wanted to give God the praise He deserved, by worshipping Him with all of my being. 

While many from my childhood, adolescent, and young adult years might point to that season of my life and connect it with my spiritual downfall, I will forever point to that season of life and connect it with my spiritual awakening. 

It was through that period of seeking, asking, wrestling, questioning, and ultimately surrendering, that I experienced healing at a core level—at a soul level. And do you know what happens to a mind that is led by, and anchored in, a healed soul? 

It, too, finds healing.

By the grace of God, I am so grateful to say that since I surrendered my heart and life to God on that day, I have never again experienced an intrusive suicidal thought. OCD no longer rules my life, and I am no longer debilitated by its grip. In the very rare occasion (as in maybe a couple times a year as opposed to every single day) that OCD symptoms begin to creep into my thoughts and actions,  I now have an incredible army of healthy community that walks with me in accountability and loving support, offering endless tools and resources.

I am healed because the very God that I rejected, healed me.
I dwell in peace because the very God that I rejected, is the God of peace.
I walk in freedom because the very God that I rejected, frees us from the strongholds of the darkness in this world.
I rejoice with unconditional joy because the very God that I rejected, is the source of true and eternal joy.
I thrive in community because the very God that I rejected invited me into his eternal community.

But mostly, I LIVE because the very God that I rejected, is the author of life. Of my  life. And of yours!