More Powerful Than Darkness

If you haven't already, check out Part I of this devotional here.

As mentioned in Part I, in my darkest seasons of mental distress related to OCD, I was so disoriented to what was true about myself, others, God, and the world around me. The power of darkness felt all consuming, greater than any force that I had ever encountered before. So much so that it led to intense suicidal ideation which I wrestled with for years.

One night as I was writing a suicide note and planning how to take my life, I noticed someone else's Bible laying on a piece of furniture beside me. Full of anger and disappointment in the God who "couldn't" or "wouldn't" fix me, I picked up the Bible and threw it across the room. It bounced off of the bed, landed on the ground, and opened to reveal one highlighted sentence in the middle of the page. I walked over and bent down to read the highlighted words which said, "He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world" (1 John 4:4).

I immediately gasped and burst into tears. In that moment, God was telling me, "Jen, you do have an enemy, but that enemy is not me. And that enemy is the cause of every form of suffering and darkness that you have experienced. And yes, I do exist, by the way. And I am so much greater than the enemy you have encountered in this world."

While it was true that the darkness in me and around me was great, I realized in that moment that God was offering me something more powerful than darkness. He was offering me His light.

In John 8:12, we read these words from Jesus, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." And though it took several more years of God faithfully pursuing me amidst my rebellion, unfaithfulness, and disbelief, on October 6, 2019 I accepted His invitation to walk in the freedom and peace of His light through baptism.  I entered that watery grave covered in wounds brought on by the darkness of the world. But as I rose from that water, all of those wounds were washed away. I rose as a new creation. Regardless of the internal challenges that I was born with, or the external challenges of the world I was born into, through Jesus I had the opportunity to be reborn (Romans 6:1-3, Galatians 3:27, 1 Peter 3:21-22, Acts 2:38).

The result? Well, the "light of life" consumed me in all the very places that were before consumed by darkness. On that day, once and for all, my desire to end my life transformed into a desire to passionately, whole-heartedly, purposefully, and joyfully live my life for God. From there, over the course of several years, God led me to the very resources, tools, truths, and people that would bring continual healing to my mind, body, and soul.

As I walk deeper and deeper down the path of healing, I can't help but ache for those who are still aimlessly wandering on the path of darkness. My growing desire is to help lead others out of that disoriented state, and towards a life marked by the one thing more powerful than darkness: a life marked by God's light.